The answer is my old friend N***l. I have to protect his anonymity, as he's employed as a mystery shopper at Craven Cottage - home of the mighty Fulham FC. I joined him last night for the West London team's momentous - and much-deserved - victory over the Arsenal and discovered that he's regularly asked to sample pies from the stallholders in the ground. N***l reports back on whether the vendors are crusty towards him or...er...nice as pie.
I can't reveal all the details, as it might lead to N***l's cover being blown and his having to enter a mystery shopper protection scheme. Let's just say that a fiver is slipped his way at a secret location and he's sent off to a particular stand to buy a 'Cottage' pie and a soft drink. I guess he's allowed to keep the change, which is probably about 10p at inflated Premiership prices.
The game itself was a corker. I was honorary Fulham for the evening and they certainly laid on some decent entertainment, including an excellent goal from Radzinski. Arsenal - despite a lot of star talent - failed to make much of an impression. Only van Persie's converted free kick gave a hint of their true potential. And there was a feeling of desperation, to be honest, as goalkeeper Jens Lehmann rushed into the Fulham penalty area in the 90th minute. This was not, after all, an FA Cup Final. But Arsenal clearly felt the stakes were high.