WASHED AND READY TO EAT

The Queen apparently doesn't like policemen pilfering her nuts . In fact, the ageing monarch has taken to marking her bowls at Buckingham Palace to ensure that none of the Royal Brazils go missing. One does sympathise, Your Majesty. When one's worked hard for everything one has, it must be galling to see it snatched away from one. Especially in times of austerity. Why, only the other day, Princess Michael was telling us just how bad things have got. "I love easyJet," she said. "It’s the only direct route to Biarritz." She actually said it. Those very words. Every satirist and would-be parody merchant might as well back their bags now. Game OVER.

I would describe myself as a half-hearted republican. I don't really support the idea of the monarchy, but can't be bothered to turn it into a crusade. One thing I'm absolutely sure about though is that the British Royal Family is one of the strangest real-life soap operas ever invented. Look at the role of Prince Charles in today's events, for instance. He's out on the balcony with Camilla, while everything about the occasion must naturally remind him of Diana. His daughter-in-law, a few feet away, is of course even wearing the sapphire engagement ring that once announced Charles' own rock-solid commitment to the belle of the Spencer clan. You couldn't make this stuff up. The Queen, meanwhile, seems pretty good for 85 or whatever she is. I reckon there's a few more years in her yet. By the time her state funeral has been arranged, Charles will be an old man himself and the pressure will be on for him to abdicate in favour of the newly appointed Duke of ...