The decision by Transport for London to encourage people to talk to each other on the tube has met with understandable derision from citizens of the Smoke. The first rule of the UK capital - and the very glue that holds together its social fabric - is that no one makes conversation. Or eye contact preferably. If you are feeling remotely tempted to wear one of the new badges that signals your willingness to engage in idle banter ('Baby, I'm Bored'), here are some suggestions to help suppress your urges. It's a process a Hampstead psychotherapist would call sublimation and it can come in very useful. 1. Isn't there another level of Candy Crush you could aim for? 2. If that's not your type of crush, go back and and re-read Rush Hour Crush in the Metro . 3. See if you can find a mouse on the platform or tracks. Hold a conversation with them instead. 4. Ostentatiously do your make-up - a process which can often last quite happily from Theydon Bois
This ephemera should reach you in perfect condition. In the unlikely event that you find one of these blog entries to be damaged in any way - or past its sell-by date - please don't hesitate to contact @philwoodford on Twitter.