WASHED AND READY TO EAT

The decision by Transport for London to encourage people to talk to each other on the tube has met with understandable derision from citizens of the Smoke. The first rule of the UK capital - and the very glue that holds together its social fabric - is that no one makes conversation. Or eye contact preferably. If you are feeling remotely tempted to wear one of the new badges that signals your willingness to engage in idle banter ('Baby, I'm Bored'), here are some suggestions to help suppress your urges. It's a process a Hampstead psychotherapist would call sublimation and it can come in very useful. 1. Isn't there another level of Candy Crush you could aim for? 2. If that's not your type of crush, go back and and re-read Rush Hour Crush in the Metro . 3. See if you can find a mouse on the platform or tracks. Hold a conversation with them instead. 4. Ostentatiously do your make-up - a process which can often last quite happily from Theydon Bois

Mother Teresa of Calcutta is in the news at the moment, as she’s been elevated by the Vatican to sainthood. I admit that I’m not fully up to speed with the criteria for canonisation, so I’ve visited the Saints for Dummies web page to check whether Jeremy Corbyn also qualifies. (It’s written by a couple of priests, so it must be kosher.) My mission has been prompted by the way in which some of Jez’s loyal supporters talk about him online. Take this example, for instance, of someone writing to the bizarre Corbynista blog Vox Political and comparing the Islington North MP to the author J K Rowling. The Harry Potter author is noted as having the ‘Judas Trait’ about her, which stands in stark contrast to the Labour Leader.  The correspondent notes that Mr Corbyn is a man ‘who did not let fame go to his head and instead, rather than paying lip service to human suffering, was actually willing to do something to alleviate it’. It’s certainly a touching portrait of an in