STOP PRESS... A full-page ad in The Sunday Express tells me about a sale of long range, 24x magnification binoculars. So precious is this cargo that sales were embargoed until midnight last night. Did you manage to secure your pair at the unbelievable price of £29.95 + p&p?
The copy tells me that if I were on the cliffs of Dover, France would 'appear to be just ONE MILE AWAY!!!'
Why, that's practically close enough to see the snails frying in the pan and Frenchmen shrugging their shoulders as they exchange onions.
Later on, we're told that we 'can see the expression of the jockeys' faces as they race towards the winning post'. Are these French jockeys, do you think?