WASHED AND READY TO EAT

My local UKIP candidate, Barry Edwards, opens his leaflet with four powerful words: 'I am a Scientist...' (The upper case his Barry's. For Emphasis.) His profession apparently means that he believes in the 'rigorous scrutiny of information'. So far, so good. We look forward to a level of perspicacity so often lacking in our would-be politicians. 'I know that the other parties are untrustworthy and have lost touch with people,' writes the aspiring MP, no doubt on the basis of extensive scientific research. 'I understand that over-population produced mainly by excessive EU migration is the underlying cause of increasing pressure on our housing, NHS, education, elderly provision and all other social services.' The underlying cause? So science has proved that our housing crisis is the result of immigration? It couldn't possibly have anything at all to do with the fact we haven't built any houses, could it? Or that prices have been ...

A glossy magazine has arrived on the doorstep of Woodford Towers. Strangely, it's not the one that appears every month with ads for all the private prep schools and multi-million pound properties. This one is produced by Mabel Gray on behalf of a company called Jack Brunsdon & Son, which has been installing windows and doors for half a century. As you can imagine, the editors confirm that it has been 'fun bringing this magazine together' and a quick glance at the contents page explains why. Page 10: 'We replaced our PVC windows with timber ones...' Page 13: Which paint finish will you choose? Page 14:  Focus on the new greys - today's popular shades It's clear that I need to set a weekend aside for this. I'll file it between GQ and Take a Break.