WASHED AND READY TO EAT

If aliens ever needed somewhere to land their craft in London, I wouldn't rule out Selhurst Park. Although the home of Crystal Palace FC seems an unlikely destination for any intelligent extraterrestrial life form, the little green men seem to take a keen interest in the fate of the struggling Barclays Premier League side. Well, that's if you believe Stephany Cohen at least. According to a report in the Metro , this keen Eagles fan (who claims to have been Joan of Arc in a previous life) is in regular contact with travellers from outer space. They have assured her that Palace will 'klingon' to top-flight status if Tony Pulis can focus on his defence, which the aliens believe - on rather limited evidence, it has to be said - to be his 'forte'. I think it's quite conceivable that if there's no sign of improvement in the New Year, the spacemen might start abducting players to their mother ship and giving them a bit of a rollicking. 'Mr Moxey, we a...

Having met the Fonz at Richmond Waterstones, I wandered down to a store called Whole Foods Market , which is almost beyond parody. Stretching over two large floors, it seems to position itself as a place where the affluent residents of the south-west London suburb might choose to do their weekly shop. Heinz baked beans and other fairly everyday essentials compete for space with £10 pots of 'Richmond Park Natural Honey' and £20 trays of Maine lobster. Had Henry Winkler been able to join me on my shopping expedition, he would have been pleased to see that the retailer is also quite big on Thanksgiving - presumably catering for the American diaspora that helps fill the seats of Richmond Theatre, where the former Happy Days star is appearing in Peter Pan . There was a Catherine Tate moment when I heard a young boy by the fish counter ask his dad whether it was possible to have a whole sea bass. I'd have told the cheeky young lad that it would be KFC if he didn't shut...

The Waterstones branch in the leafy London suburb of Richmond has probably played host to its fair share of famous authors. But surely none has caused quite the buzz created by the arrival of Henry Winkler.  The 68-year-old actor has traded LA in recent years for stints in British panto and in this star-studded sleb-selfie, he really is 'behind me'! Waiting for the arrival of the Fonz, and clutching one of his kids' books for my young nephew, I saw women actually brushing their hair and doing their make-up. The book store handed out chocolate brazil nuts to those  of us foolish enough to ship up an hour before and form an orderly queue down the street. What an occasion and what a genuinely nice guy.  Saturday, what a day: Washed and Ready to Eat's Phil Woodford meets up with Fonzie.

I do love the full-page ads from EW Technologies in the Metro . The company treats us to detailed testimonials from customers who have battled with limescale before installing the firm's Gold Series water softening systems. Peter and Chris Warner are all smiles. Before EWT came into their lives, appliances were constantly breaking down, while dry, cracked hands meant that bills for moisturiser were soaring. It's a heart-rending story that is no doubt played out across countless homes in the heavily calcified south of England. Now, after a visit from a polite, professional engineer, the shower door is clean and they're using less shampoo and gel when they pop inside for a wash. Interestingly, Mr Warner believes that shaving is easier too. 'I get a far closer shave,' he says. 'And when I use any soaps they seem to lather up a lot more.' It's hard to imagine how things could get any better, but thanks to the free G1 drinking filter supplied by ...