WASHED AND READY TO EAT

Stuck for an original gift this festive season? Look no further than the originally named Original Gift Company. I chanced upon one of their catalogues on a south London commuter train and wanted to give WARTE readers a sense of the sheer breadth of Yuletide surprises on offer. Unsure what to give your hubby or boyfriend? No need to throw in the towel. This all-in-one kilt set will keep him dry after he's been skinny-dipping in the local loch. What goes around comes around. So there's no question he deserves this motorised tie rack. You won't only have a red nose when you pass on this fabulous, Santa-inspired bottle holder. You'll have a red face too. Bandits at 2 o'clock high. But can we shoot our way out of the goldfish bowl? Get a grip with these inventive and practical... err... on second thoughts, just get a grip. He'll have a face like thunder when you present him with this piece of meteorological kitsch. Don't forget the decorations: c...

An extraordinary email arrives at Woodford Towers, offering a unique sponsorship opportunity. How would I like to become a patron of the 'world-renowned' Dublin University Metaphysical Society? It's an interesting offer, to be sure. For the modest investment of just £600 a year, my logo will be 'seen across Dublin' and I'll be able to tell my shareholders that I have a programme in corporate social responsibility. My largesse will help to fund the attendance of various speakers. People such as Professor Ray Monk, whose forthcoming topic is The Synthetic A Priori and the Analytic A Posteriori: Wittgenstein on Phenomenology . Certainly one to mark in the diary. There's only one thing that I find puzzling. Why me? And, come to think of it, why am I here? And does this blog actually exist?