WASHED AND READY TO EAT

The bizarre campaign for the mouthwash Corsodyl ('for people who spit blood when they brush their teeth') has taken an even weirder turn.  The latest posters show a lady applying make-up to her eyes and seeing a streak of blood run down her cheek. 'You wouldn't ignore this' reads the copy, implying that we should treat bleeding gums with the same seriousness as bleeding eye sockets. There are few places left for this outlandish train of thought to go. Someone with blood pouring out of their ears? Or maybe struggling with multiple gunshot wounds? Can this stuff really be researching well? Only if the focus groups are stuffed with bleeding hypochondriacs.

What should arrive in the mail the other day but a pen inscribed with the name of my company? Apparently I can get fifty of them knocked up for £49.50 and will then receive another fifty FREE! If my maths is correct, that's almost as good as getting 100 of them for £49.50. The letter that accompanies the sample is truly lol-inducing. I am informed in the copy that 'this is no ordinary writing instrument'. In fact, 'the gleaming lacquer finish and polished chrome trim make this a pen customers and prospects will treasure and use every day'. I'm asked to picture just how impressed folks are going to be when I present them with this 'extraordinary ad gift'. They'll not only remember my thoughtfulness and generosity, but 'share their sentiments' with friends who've noticed and admired my 'exceptional executive' present. See what you make of it below. If demand is strong among fans of WARTE, you might just find a little something extra...

Forget the Daily Mail . For a serious read, it’s the Daily Express you need to seek out at your local newsagent’s. The masthead screams 10p, which seems just about acceptable, but the small print dashes our hopes immediately. “10p cheaper than the Daily Mail and ten times better!” The cover price is, in fact, an exorbitant 80p. In the interest of investigative journalism and a strong desire to understand what makes the typical Express reader tick, Washed and Ready to Eat made a decision to shell out. Three key themes tend dominate the paper: Princess Diana, prevailing weather conditions and rising house prices. Although one of these topics might temporarily bump the others off the front page, the relegated topics are never completely forgotten. Take the edition published on Saturday 7th September 2013, for instance. The lead story is the conspiracy theory about the death of the Queen of Hearts in Paris back in the 1990s, but we learn that first-time buyers are returning to the...