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Before you fire me, you'll have to hire me.

I am in big trouble.

Compliance may get involved. My Head of Division at the bank may be informed.

My misdemeanour? The mandatory fire safety training that I was supposed to do is now overdue.

The training people are quite persistent. And the fact that I don't actually work for the bank doesn't deter them from sending further emails.

Where's it all going to end? I can see myself getting sacked from a job I never had. It'll make a great employment tribunal case.

The situation is reminding me a little of the pickle I got myself into a few years ago and recounted on the BBC Radio 4 show Home Truths. I started receiving voicemail messages that were meant for a maintenance guy who worked in a big building. The electrical socket near the paternoster lift on the sixth floor needed fixing. There was a plumbing problem in one of the toilets near main reception. I liked these calls so much that I just allowed them to keep coming, which I guess meant none of these things ever got mended.

Eventually, I managed to work out that the messages emanated from the Ipswich Civic Centre. They stopped abruptly after I'd discussed the issue on national radio.
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