WASHED AND READY TO EAT

Some years in the future, when a historian is trawling through the ephemeral remains of our early 21st century civilisation, a copy of The Richmond Magazine will surely surface. Delivered door-to-door in the south-west London borough, the glossy publication provides a unique insight into the lives and preoccupations of Britain's wealthy, intellectual elite. Those of us a couple of rungs down the social pecking order, who through a quirk of global positioning are fortunate enough to live within the circulation zone, are merely able to bathe vicariously in the warm glow created by the mag's contents. Take the December 2010 edition, for example. The offers available to local residents are really quite special. Bodyvie Clinics aren't content with serving champagne and mince pies to clients in the festive season. They also offer a free, 30-minute glycolic peel with all wrinkle reduction and dermal filler treatments. Rejuvenated by the experience, readers might feel inclined to ...

In the Woodford Archive, I have a copy of The Sunday Express magazine from the week of Lady Di's wedding in 1981. Alongside ads for the new Lancia Trevi and John Player Special King Size, there's an important announcement from a company called R J Wiltshire. I know it's an important announcement because there's a large headline which reads 'Important Announcement: RJW Commission Leading Hatton Garden manufacturing jeweller to re-create the splendour of... THE ROYAL RING'. There's a lovely piece of copy which tells us that although a sapphire and real diamonds have been used in this 'ultimate accolade', they are 'not to the same priceless regal proportions' as the original. Despite this disappointment, I can't help being impressed with the 'very special rodium plate finish to the mount'. Rodium, I am reliably informed, is 'a member of the platinum family, so you can see that no expense has been spared in the reproduction of th...

As a copywriter, my heart sinks when I see fellow professionals biting off a little more than they can chew. This embarrassing messaging thread between two m8s rings about as true as Nick Clegg's pledges on student tuition fees. When we get towards the end of the correspondence and Rachel's saying "...that new kitchen has MY name on it...", I'm thinking of those cheesy radio commercials where characters repeat telephone numbers to each other. The only thing missing from the excruciating exchange is a discussion of how gorgeous the Wickes kitchen planner is. How did the creatives miss that particular trick, I wonder?

I can't quite understand why the Samaritans advertise their service above the urinals in the gents at Waterloo station. Clearly people do sadly choose to end it all on the train tracks. But do they always relieve themselves first?

On the 507 bus to Waterloo this afternoon, a guy asked me to complete a short questionnaire about my journey. I was handed a printed piece of paper - maybe 150 gsm - and one of those little pens they give out in betting shops. It was standing room only on the single-decker, so completing the survey while swinging around and guarding three bags wasn't that easy. I finished as we drew up at the penultimate stop and I handed my form to the guy. 'Are you getting off here?' he asked. I told him that I intended to travel one further stop to Waterloo. 'Well, hold on to the form, then.' Meekly, I agreed, but couldn't help thinking that my answers would be the same at this stop - or any stop - on the route. 50 yards further up the road, the bloke came back and asked me for my form. The same form that I had been forbidden to hand in about 30 seconds earlier. This is market research OCD style. I expect the forms have now been sorted alphabetically by surname. And the infor...

Mrs W loves Garrow's Law , the BBC's period legal drama. Well, I think she loves the bloke who plays William Garrow, if we're completely honest. The show is supposed to be authentic in its late 18th century historical detail. Garrow did actually exist and the cases are all there in the archives. Tonight's was about the Zong Massacre - a landmark in the struggle to abolish the Atlantic slave trade. One thing puzzles me though. If it's all so true to life, why is former Detective Inspector Brian Lane from New Tricks there? I keep expecting Dennis Waterman to pop up too. "What say you, Detective Sergeant Standing? Should a man bear witness to injustice and corrupton and stand idly by?" "Do what? If the geezer's a wrong 'un, I think you need to throw the book at him, as it 'appens..."