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Now, where did I leave my teeth?

When the Woodfords are on the move in the motor, Radio Jackie is our station of choice. The Sound of South-West London not only plays a fine selection of tunes - ranging from the contemporary to the classic - but it also has some of the most entertaining commercials around.

Mini-W1 had me in stitches the other day when she picked up on the rather unfortunate script for a local dental surgery. There's a monologue in which a character tells us what a terrible state his teeth were in until he decided to 'put them in the hands of Sutton Orthodontic Practice'. One can only hope that the patient cleaned them and wrapped them up before delivery. (The double meaning reminds me of the old ad for the £9.99 shoes that used to appear in catalogues and magazines. 'We dare you to wear them out!')

An ad the kids can almost recite verbatim is for a place called Lynwood Aquatics. If we're to believe the spiel, this self-styled Aladdin's cave is the biggest centre of its kind in the south of England and perfect for the 'fish fan' in your life. All 'hard goods' - your guess is as good as mine - are fully guaranteed. They stress in the commercial that it's 'Lynwood with a y' in case you might confuse it with another marine-related Aladdin's cave off Hook Rise South, near Tolworth.

Whenever I think tiles, I now think Versatile of Chessington. This is because I have been hypnotised by a tagline which is whispered in the manner of the Garnier 'Take Care' slogan. Think tiles. Think Versatile. While the Garnier line is known throughout the UK and continental Europe as a reassuring reinforcement of the health benefits of a major brand, Versatile's message might, on a good day, travel as far as New Addington. Think crap ad. Think Radio Jackie.

Perhaps my favourite is one that begins with a character delivering the following memorable line: 'I have very high standards, which is why it's taken me so long to find a natural stone paving company.' I know the feeling, mate. Unfortunately, your high standards didn't extend to radio production budgets. Never mind. Your patio has come up a treat.
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  1. A W5:10 AM

    Oh the radio. I can't drive past Reading without remembering that "If you're looking for bedding, the place to be heading, is Reading Bedding". It's nice to know after so many years the place is still going strong, but I do wonder if they'll ever get modern and say "If you're looking for bedding, the place to be headed, is Reading Bedding". Naaaaaa.

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