Monday, March 31, 2008
I stayed overnight at a Hilton Hotel to the west of Dublin last week and nipped down to their swimming pool/spa area for half an hour. The guy on the desk told me that I couldn't take a dip unless I wore a hat.
Is this really a hygiene requirement? And, if so, why don't other swimming pools insist on it too? Keen to submerge for a few minutes, I coughed up a couple of euros for the regulation head gear, which was far too tight and very uncomfortable. Talk about taking the pleasure out of swimming.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
It's such a shame that the plan never actually came to fruition. I'd love to have been a fly on the fuselage as the cabin crew served the resting luvvies.
Having been to Dublin very recently, I think the solution is probably more flights from Poland rather than East Anglia.
Monday, March 24, 2008
It would never happen in the NHS. The only horse you'd find in a British hospital would be on the lunch menu.
We can only hope the American incident didn't take place in a psychiatric institution.
"I know you said I was stable now, doc, but do they really have to keep bringing the horses in here? I'm kinda phobic about that kind of thing."
"Step the clozapine up to 350mg, nurse. And put some hay down at the end of the bed."
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Last night, the BBC was talking to an air traffic controller who was blowing the whistle on practices he considered unsafe at London Heathrow. A feeble shadow had been placed over his face, but this wouldn't have been enough to disguise him from the bloke who served him last week in the Costa Coffee at Terminal 2, let alone his former tin-pushing colleagues.
I just wonder how these conversations actually go.
"There's no need to worry. We'll disguise your identity."
"But I've seen every other TV bulletin where they try to disguise people and it never works. The whole idea is crap."
"No, we're different. We'll do it properly. No one will ever know it's you. Promise."
"Ok. Can you make me sound a bit like a Dalek?"
Thursday, March 20, 2008
How stupid can you get? Everybody knows that he never even went into orbit. It was all shot at a top-secret movie lot in Hollywood.
As for Neil Armstrong, I think we can honestly say the world has never seen better jazz trumpeter.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Fast forward to 2008, with Batey's 80th birthday looming in the summer, and the show is set for a fantastic new makeover. The hosts on this occasion will be none other than Philip Schofield and Fern Britton. And, in keeping with the zeitgeist, the couples will be celebrities who will happily to donate their prize winnings to charity. This time, the jackpot will be £30k, as inflation means that everything costs 600 times what it did thirty odd years ago. (A £6 chicken today, for example, was just a penny down the Old Kent Road in 1975. A £3 grande cappuccino was a halfpenny, but you couldn't get one for love nor money.)
The real excitement comes with news of the couples who've been lined up for the new show. Neil and Christine Hamilton, for instance. ("If your husband saw a man in a white suit threatening to take his parliamentary seat away from him, what do you think he would do?") Kerry Katona will be popping down the The London Studios in Waterloo with her own hubby. And on one occasion, Mr & Mrs will become Mr & Mr as jungle hero Christopher Biggins tries to second guess his partner Neil. I won't even mention the one with Lembit Opik and that Cheeky Girl. It's all too much to take in.
I admit I'm slightly concerned about where all this madness is going to lead. Pharmacists advising us against paracetamol, perhaps?
"No, I'm sorry, sir. I'm sure you're very genuine in your belief that these pills have helped relieve your symptoms of cold and flu, but actually they're completely bloody useless. I recommend spending three days feeling like s**t instead."
Maybe eventually, someone will find that morphine is useless as a painkiller. It's all in the mind. We'll start feeding terminal patients sugar solutions through a drip and watch them drift off into a blissful slumber.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Current suggestions for purchases include Razorlight, Gnarls Barkley, Tenpole Tudor and Bernard Cribbins. And I could actually imagine enjoying them all.
I'm sure Apple employ some kind of psychic.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
I’m working on my own version of the campaign. One of the characters is holding a knife and saying “I won’t stab you if you give me all your money”. His terrified victim replies: “And I’ll say thank you”.
Railway crossroads? Not a good idea, I feel, however good your signalling systems. It reminds me of a documentary I once saw about the airports in New York City. At La Guardia, the planes taking off crossed the path of the planes coming in. It was supposed to be safe because of the 45-second gaps they put in between.
Monday, March 03, 2008
The attitudes to women also leave a fair bit to be desired. While we might guess that the secretaries would be subject to unwanted sexual advances in the testosterone-charged agency, the local gynaecologist expects to conduct an internal examination before issuing a prescription for the pill. And he likes to puff on a cigarette while he does it.
The show's researchers have taken a large dose of a pill marked authenticity. Enovid was approved as a contraceptive in 1960 by the US Food and Drug Administration, but had been used quite widely in the preceding years under the cover of treating menstrual disorders. Now that's what I call period detail.