Reach for the Skyport

Glancing over someone's shoulder on the 285 bus yesterday, I was fascinated to read the latest news in Skyport - the racy tabloid distributed to workers at Heathrow, Gatwick and Stansted.

The best story was about a man on a bmi flight, whose bladder was so full of beer that he stood up and relieved himself on his seat as the plane was coming in to land at LHR. He created a bit of a mess, as you can imagine, but seemed unperturbed. The report revealed that the miscreant had sat right back down again in his self-created pool. That's one landing on water that I'm really glad I didn't see. A judge's comments on his behaviour were summarised in the pithy headline "Urine trouble now".

In football news, Immigration beat BA Flight Deck 4-0. Good result that.

A regular feature column called Fly Past (geddit?) examines aircraft of yesteryear. In this edition, we were treated to a tour of the elegant Boeing 377 Stratocruiser, which graced our skies after World War II.

The ads were interesting too. An establishment of dubious standing was claiming to be "the place for all your sexy Christmas outfits". Exactly how many sexy Christmas outfits do the workers of Terminal 5 actually require? The Mile High Club must be a particularly exciting place at this time of year.

Comments

A Fawlty Towers script? Si, senor!

Ok, so I gave ChatGPT the following scenario: "Imagine a theatrical script for a situation comedy set in a hotel in Torquay, England. The proprietor is called Basil, an eccentric man who believes the calibre of guests to be low. His wife, Sybil, is often frustrated by Basil's incompetence. They employ a Spanish waiter called Manuel, who struggles to understand English. Basil suspects that two guests, who claim to be married, may be lying." Here's what our favourite AI came up with: Scene: The hotel lobby in Torquay, England. Basil is standing behind the reception desk, looking at a piece of paper. Sybil is standing next to him, looking annoyed. Manuel is hovering nearby, trying to look busy. Basil: (to Sybil) I don't know why we get such low-calibre guests at this hotel. Look at these two - Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They claim to be married, but I suspect they might be lying. Sybil: (sighing) Basil, it's not our job to judge the marital status of our guests. Just m...

Becoming a Twister board

I spent yesterday evening in an old factory building off Brick Lane playing kids' games with an organisation called Fun Fed. The idea is that a bunch of adults get together and act like children for a couple of hours. We played tag and stuck big coloured discs on ourselves so that we could become human Twister mats. There was an awful lot of running around and I was thinking that I ought to get to aikido a bit more often. Being a child is very hard work.

It's been a tough year. Let's give ourselves a clap.

If something didn’t smell right about the UK handling of the pandemic, the British public was never going to notice. But they knew that if they couldn’t smell something, they really ought to get a Covid test sent to them in the post. There has been something incredibly British about the DIY swabs and their delivery via the gig-economy workers of Amazon, hasn’t there? Touch of corona? I’ll pop something in the post to you. Should be with you tomorrow. I suppose it was inevitable that we’d need some new kind of system. After all, the coronavirus outbreak was the first thing in the history of the NHS that couldn’t be cured by paracetamol, rest and plenty of fluids. This understandably left GPs flummoxed and anxious. The UK decided pretty early on that if you were ill with a novel pathogen – which proved deadly in maybe 1% of cases – you really shouldn’t go to the doctor. You should STAY AT HOME and spread it quickly to your flatmates or family members. And because they were now at ...

WASHED AND READY TO EAT

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