WASHED AND READY TO EAT

For my 800th post on Washed and Ready to Eat , I return to one of my favourite featured books - Ronald Pelham's How shall I word it? Published in 1948, it provides templated letters designed to help the reader respond to any conceivable situation. Whether you're a butler applying 'for situation', a bridesmaid writing a thank you letter to a bridegroom or a store selling salvage stock after a fire, Mr Pelham knows exactly what you ought to say. Imagine this scenario. You have received a selection of brochures from scholastic agents providing information about boarding schools. From your cottage in Somerley, you write to the educational establishment of your choice, Greyline School in Heacham. "MADAM Your brochure has been sent to me by Messrs. ________________ & _____________, and I am very interested in the school for my daughter, aged nine. Her education so far has been acquired at a private school, but my wife and I feel that the time has now come for her ...

When I stopped off at WHSmith yesterday to buy some chocolate, I was handed a voucher which offered me a free bird bath if I joined the RSPB. This marketing strategy is so flawed that I am temporarily lost for words. The bird bath looks great at Woodford Towers though.

I was reading in The Metro about a village called Firhall in the highlands of Scotland which seems to ban children. According to hack Ross McGuinness, residents of the creepy hamlet - which also tells people not to start their cars before 7am or hang out their washing - is like 'Britain 30 years ago'. What a load of horses**t. Younger WARTE readers will have to take my word for the fact that people did start cars and hang out washing in 1980. And if there weren't any kids back then, we can only assume the good burghers of Firhall were delivered in adult form to their Stepford-style community by a stork.

According to London's Metro, drought conditions are likely to hit the UK next year for the first time since 1976. Experts warn that we'll have to share baths. As I was a kid during the last water crisis, I can't remember the rules. Do you get to choose who you share with? Or are you just told?