WASHED AND READY TO EAT

I'd be the first to defend the right of the older generation to stand for public office, although my local UKIP parliamentary candidate in south-west London seems to be fighting the 1959 general election rather than the one scheduled for 6th May 2010. Brian Gilbert , 78, tells us that he 'hopped from job to job' until 1956, having trained as an air radio fitter in the RAF after the war. The former serviceman reveals that he then 'commenced a career in punched cards and computers' with IBM. What he's been up to in the intervening half century doesn't appear to be deemed that relevant to his political ambitions. The lively septuagenerian gets letters published in The Daily Telegraph with extraordinary regularity, if the 42 he posts on his website are anything to go by. Some poor civil servant at the Ministry of Justice has also been forced to reply to correspondence that he sent to the Queen about constitutional matters and a troubling legal case called T...

I discovered tonight that Kiefer Sutherland - better known as Federal Agent Jack Bauer from 24 - is already a grandfather. If the terrorists knew this, they wouldn't take him half as seriously. But at least the President would always know where to locate him. Chances are you'd find him on his allotment.

I was surprised this week to read about the death of law student Laura Main . The 28-year-old posthumously hit the headlines after a misadventure verdict was delivered by the Coroner in Westminster. While studying to be a solicitor, Ms Main was pursuing a double life as an escort with an agency called Bunnies and DJing under the assumed name of 'Lady Asbo'. She died after taking a cocktail of alcohol, valium, GHB and meow meow, while celebrating Christmas with fellow call girls. Perhaps I'm a little old-fashioned and easily shocked. But I don't think I'll ever see conveyancing in quite the same light again.