Thursday, December 26, 2013

Born in a rub-a-dub bare

I have to admit that a generation has passed since I watched Eastenders regularly, but news of the arrival of cockney poster boy Danny Dyer at the Queen Vic certainly warmed my cockles. If a quick skip through BBC iPlayer is any guide, the former movie and reality TV star looks the part. But has anyone stopped to consider the significance and symbolism of his rebirth on prime time TV at Christmas time?

The writers’ intentions couldn’t be clearer. An unstable Messiah figure has now taken up residence at the packed inn. In the coming days, I imagine Pearly Kings will journey to pay homage, perhaps heading to Walford East tube from as far afield as, say, up west.

According to The Daily Star, Dyer is determined to use as much bewildering cockney rhyming slang during filming as he can. This makes absolute sense, as he will no doubt see the local manor as den of iniquity that has abandoned its true cockney roots. By installing himself as the guv’nor of the local battle cruiser, he’s in the perfect position to preach to the nearby residents about a return to a simpler way of life. Jellied eels on the bar, a good old knees-up of an evening and a picture of Eric Bristow up by the dart board.

I can’t see him ever getting crucified by the locals though. Geezer’s too savvy. He’ll have an escape plan up his sleeve. A little B&B in Thurrock perhaps.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Royalty in times of austerity

The Queen apparently doesn't like policemen pilfering her nuts. In fact, the ageing monarch has taken to marking her bowls at Buckingham Palace to ensure that none of the Royal Brazils go missing.

One does sympathise, Your Majesty. When one's worked hard for everything one has, it must be galling to see it snatched away from one. Especially in times of austerity.

Why, only the other day, Princess Michael was telling us just how bad things have got.

"I love easyJet," she said. "It’s the only direct route to Biarritz."

She actually said it. Those very words. Every satirist and would-be parody merchant might as well back their bags now.

Game OVER.

Dementia on the buses

News that bus drivers are to be trained to recognise the signs of dementia is obviously welcome.

I suggest they start at their own depot, as my experience of their colleagues in London is that they seem completely unaware of their surroundings. This can lead to bizarre and unpredictable manoeuvres, as well as angry outbursts towards customers.

Dave and Nigella

The judge in the Grillo fraud case didn't take kindly to David Cameron's intervention the other day in The Spectator on behalf of Nigella Lawson. He told the jury that they should ignore everything the British Prime Minister said.

Don't you think this would be sound advice for the rest of us too?

Monday, December 02, 2013

Thank you for your order. Your drone has just taken off.

News that Amazon is considering using drones to deliver parcels within 30 minutes of an order being placed is certainly welcome. No more sitting around waiting for a drone that might fly past at some unspecified time between 8am and 2pm.

Tracking your order becomes easier. Instead of having to log on to the website, you can just get a pair of binoculars out.

I can see it causing issues in the tribal border areas of Afghanistan and Pakistan though. Over-eager Taliban fighters shooting down a drone, only to discover it contained their commander's latest aerobic workout DVD.