WASHED AND READY TO EAT

Is there a closet republican involved in the sub-editing of The Richmond Magazine ? In the latest edition of the glossy south-west London freebie, the diary column reports on both the visit of Her Majesty The Queen to Richmond Park and the inauguration of a new freshwater habitat in the park by local resident Sir David Attenborough. On the contents page of the mag, these stories are summarised as follows: "Her Majesty in Richmond; new pond life."

Just looking at another of those embarrassing ads for match.com on the London tube. 'He texted me before the date and my tummy got the good sort of butterflies.' I'm glad to hear it. If it had been the bad kind of butterflies before you'd even met the bloke, perhaps that would be a clue you shouldn't be giving your mobile number to randoms you met on the web.

Can you find a video on the web that is kitscher than this Neil Sedaka extravaganza? I think you'll agree that I'm setting the bar pretty high.

I had a flash of inspiration this morning. Working with marketers in the UK, I've encountered quite a few frustrations from people who feel they are unable to talk about a certain sporting event which is planned this summer. Due to legal restrictions, designed to protect the official sponsors, no one is allowed to mention the name of said event. Or the year in which it is taking place. Or the main host city, which lies somewhere on an axis between Bristol and Leipzig (but a bit nearer to Bristol). Ok, so my flash of inspiration is this. What if we developed codewords to describe the things that are unmentionable? No one could be prosecuted, but everyone would know what they really meant. The name of the event is The Carrots. The year is 3000. The city is Trondheim. Now, marketers have previously unimagined freedom. We can launch a new red, white and blue cereal which openly proclaims that it's celebrating Trondheim 3000. It's time to get crunching with a patrioti

I hope Emily isn't Jim's secretary. Or Jim's Mrs will start questioning how her high-powered executive hubby keeps himself busy.

Hell, no one likes a party pooper. To question the way the Olympics are being organised in the UK is still a little bit of a taboo subject. But the closer we move towards the world's greatest sporting event, the more Londoners are beginning to worry about the competence of the people in charge. The decision to station multiple Rapier missile batteries around the capital, for instance, has raised a couple of million eyebrows. The fact that the weapons may not work in bad weather shouldn't worry us unduly, as we all know that it will be sunshine all the way in London during August. The weather was great, after all, during last year's riots. Rather more unfortunate is the recognition that we haven't had this kind of anti-aircraft protection since the Luftwaffe bombardment of Britain at the start of the 1940s. It does get people scratching their heads. I think your average Londoner is beginning to realise that the carry-on surrounding the Games is out of all proportion to